How to Find A Life Partner? & How to be a good BF + many more

Golden Rules for Finding Your Life Partner -

by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

Question - 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:

1. You can grow together, or
2. You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line - Marry someone who wants the same thing.

Question - 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

Question - 3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world -

1. People who are dedicated to personal growth and
2. People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

Question - 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

Question - 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another Perspective -

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay Attention -

• Which ones lift and which ones lean?
• Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
• Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
• When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?
• Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

• Do you bring out the best in each other?
• Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?
• What do you bring to the relationship?
• Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
• You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS -

1. Trust
2. Communication
3. Intimacy
4. A Sense of Humor
5. Sharing Tasks
6. Some get away time without Business or Children.
7. Daily Exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
8. Sharing Common Goals & Interests.
9. Giving each other space to grow without feeling Insecure.
10. Giving each other a sense of Belonging & Assurances of Commitment.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

• Life starts with a Voice but ends with Silence
• Love starts with a Fear but ends with Tears
• Friendship starts Anywhere and ends Nowhere.

How to be a good BF

- How to be a Good boy friend -

Getting a girlfriend isn't so hard, but keeping one is. To be a good boyfriend, you have to have good relationship skills. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for the woman that you are with, and you have to be trustworthy. Your priority should be making your girlfriend happy. Here are some tips for being the best boyfriend you can be:

• ONLY THE HONEST WILL SURVIVE
  Obviously, a good boyfriend does not cheat on his girlfriend. That's a pretty basic rule, but it is also very important that you remember not to break it. Some men feel that being in a monogamous relationship is extremely difficult. Men are praised by society and the media when they're able to be with multiple women at one time – they are fondly referred to as "players" and "ladies men." And women, on the other hand, are labeled "sluts" and "whores." It is a complete double standard. Either a man or woman is in the wrong if they decide to be unfaithful to their relationship. Cheating is wrong, it is hurtful, and it is detrimental to trust. If you cheat on your girlfriend, she's going to have a very hard time forgiving you. If she does forgive you, she is always going to have a very hard time trust in you. It will almost certainly ruin your relationship. The foundation of a healthy relationship has to be trust, and without it, a relationship cannot thrive. If you don't think that you are going to be able to resist the temptation of sleeping with other women when you are in a relationship with one woman, then you need to get out of the relationship. Sneaking around, even if you don't think that you're going to get caught, is very wrong. Do not try to convince yourself that the occasional non-emotional fling is acceptable male behavior. One night stands still absolutely constitute infidelity. Think about it this way: how would you feel if you were to discover that your girlfriend had a one night stand on her girls' night out? If you are mature enough to be in a relationship, then you are mature enough to be faithful to your lady. While cheating is a major league form of lying, almost any type of dishonesty is unacceptable if you are trying to be a good boyfriend. The one question that you should always say 'no' to regardless of your honest opinion: "Does this outfit make me look fat?"

• BE ROMANTIC
  If you believe that chivalry is dead, then you are not on the path to becoming a good boyfriend. You have to be romantic, sweet, and thoughtful to your girlfriend. You have to come up with creative ways to show her how much you love her and how much you care. Even after the two of you have been together for an extended period of time, you still have to take her out on dates – wine and dine her. Don't forget to tell her how beautiful you think she is – believe me, she will never get sick of hearing it. Open the car door for her – it's not old fashioned, it's being a good boyfriend. Leave romantic notes for her, get her flowers for no particular occasion, or call her at work just to tell her that you are thinking about or that you're looking for to seeing her later today. You have to continuously show her how much she means to you – you cannot take her love for granted. Keeping the romance alive is an integral part of being a good boyfriend.
• GET INTERESTED
  Generally speaking, women talk a lot more than men do. They talk about their feelings, and they want you to talk about yours. While you might not find the subjects incredibly interesting, they are incredibly important to your relationship, and you need to realize that. When your girlfriend wants to talk to you about something, you have to listen. And not only do you have to listen, but you have to be an active participant in the conversation – monosyllabic answers are not good boyfriend material. When she asks you what your feelings are about a particular issue, tell her. Don't say "I don't know" and never respond with an unintelligible grunt. Just tell her, honestly, how you feel. When the two of you are out shopping and she is trying on outfits, try to get interested. When she is telling you about her friends, get interested. If something is important to her, it should be important to you. Plus, if you pay attention to the things that are important to her, she will do the same for you. A good relationship is a give and take, and to be a good boyfriend you'll have to give as much as you are planning to take.

• SEND FLOWERS AND GIFTS
  Apart from all above tips, girls always welcome flowers and gifts on different occasions even if there is no special occasion. A red rose is still what your girl friend loves. Flowers represents and express feelings in the variety of ways by sending different combinations of bouquet. You may want to acquaint with the colors and combination of roses to send.

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Good Relationship

- 10 Ways to Build a Good Relationship -

• BE A MAN OF YOUR WORD
  A successful and strong relationship is one that is built on trust and dependability. If you tell a woman that you are going to do something, she will expect you to keep that commitment. Whether it's a date you've made for dinner, a promise to water her plants while she's on vacation, or a resolution to give up smoking, keeping a pledge is crucial in developing and nurturing a solid foundation for the future. Even if it is something that seems insignificant to you in the big scheme of things (i.e., returning a library book for her on your way home from work), a succession of forgetful moments will diminish her faith in you. Accordingly, if every time you promise to do something triggers a reaction on her part to have a Plan B just in case, it is only a matter of time before she starts seeking out a new companion with a better track record for reliability. Never make a promise unless it is one that you know you can keep.
• SHOW HER RESPECT
  If you want to keep a special woman in your life, you need to not only let her know that you put her on a pedestal but that you are willing to defend her honor to be there. This means that you don't engage in gossip or divulge confidences, that you don't criticize or belittle her, and that your love life isn't an open book to anyone who's nosey. If up until now your priority has been to spend all your free hours with your football buddies, you may need to start rethinking your agenda. A woman who always takes second, third or last place to other relationships in your life isn't going to stay in the picture for very long. Showing respect also means fidelity to the relationship if you've both made a commitment to monogamy. If you can't stay faithful, you owe her the respect of freeing her to meet someone who will appreciate and honor the treasure that she is.
• LEAVE YOUR BAGGAGE AT THE DOOR
  The last thing a woman wants is a whiner who does nothing but bemoan the fact that all of her predecessors- -and probably life in general--treated him badly. While it's one thing for her to be initially sympathetic, it's draining to listen to the same sob stories day after day. Keep in mind that the more time you spend dwelling on the past, the less energy you'll have to spend building a new future. This also goes for men who talk incessantly about past relationships that were good. Whether the split came about as the result of death or divorce, women don't like to compete with the Ghosts of Relationships Past.
• ACCEPT HER AS SHE IS
  Maybe your beloved would look better if she lost a couple pounds. Maybe she should update that hairdo and go for something snazzier. Maybe she'd look better on your arm if she wore different clothes. If you find yourself keeping a list of all the things she should be doing, you may be looking for a makeover project instead of a girlfriend or future wife. What you need to ask yourself is whether your barrage of suggestions is really meant to help her or to reinvent her into someone who would better define who you think you are. Women--and men--want to know that they're loved for themselves, not for an idealistic image that may be difficult to obtain. There's a right way and a wrong way to recommend improvement. To imply that you could love her more if she didn't have quite so many flaws is definitely the wrong way.
• DON'T BE POSSESSIVE
  Do you call your girlfriend every hour of the day? Do you demand a thorough accounting of what she's doing and who she's seeing whenever she's not with you? Are you purposely driving a wedge between her and her family and friends so you won't have to share her? Do you discourage her from doing activities she really loves because you resent that you're not a part of it? If your behavior fits these descriptions, it's not love; it's obsession. In concert with the advice to treat your lady with proper respect, you need to allow her the freedom to have time to spend on herself. Jealousy and possessiveness are unhealthy in any relationship and communicate that you are insecure, clingy, and potentially violent if you're not the center of attention.
• DON'T RUSH ROMANCE
  If you want a strong love connection, you need to start out with an equally strong "like" connection. It's easy to rush headlong into a permanent relationship when you're more excited about the prospect of being half of a couple than in enjoying the journey of discovering the things you have in common. Even if you're sure that this is truly love at first sight and you don't want to waste any time getting her in bed or off to the altar, a partnership that is meant to last will have a better chance if the man and woman invest in the value of friendship with one another. Consider the qualities and traits you admire in the people to whom you are close and apply those same tests in picking the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.
• PAY ATTENTION
  Being a good partner means being a conscientious listener. It means not talking about yourself so much that she can never get a word in edgewise. It means that when she hints she'd really like a certain sweater for her birthday you don't go out and buy her a CD of your favorite R&B singer instead. It also means that you're sensitive to her moods, that you take an interest in projects she's doing at work or problems she's currently having with her siblings, and that you actually notice (and take action) if you see that one of her tires is low or that she comments on a new restaurant she'd like to try. Pay attention to the calendar, too. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions demonstrates that she's important enough to you that you know how to plan ahead.
• TRY NEW THINGS
  Show an open mind when it comes to trying out new foods, activities, or ideas. While the two of you don't have to share the same passion for every single thing that comes along, she's far more likely to accompany you to a monster truck rally someday if you've accompanied her to a performance of the ballet. The fact that you show the willingness and curiosity to see what something is about instead of flatly dismissing it as stupid will accrue huge points in the sensitivity department. Why? Men and women tend to interpret the rejection of an idea as a rejection of them personally, a condition that will only fester with the passage of time. It should also be understood between the two of you that if the new whatever isn't a good fit, it won't continue to linger as a bone of contention. Trying it once—and respecting the outcome— is the most that either of you can ask.
• SHARE THE WORK
  In today's society, there is no such thing as "a woman's job" or "a man's job." The fact that both parties put in a full day of work shouldn't mean that it's always the female's job to cook the meals, set the table, wash the dishes and do the laundry. You may not be a gourmet chef but that shouldn't stop you from picking up and dishing out Chinese food. Your gender also shouldn't inhibit you from running the vacuum cleaner, walking the dog, or helping put postage stamps on the wedding invitations.
• CELEBRATE THE ORDINARY
  Too many couples make the mistake of only pulling out all the stops for each other on vacations and special holidays. The rest of the time, they're taking each other for granted. While it's easy to say, "I love you" against an exotic backdrop or go overboard buying presents on Valentine's Day, a happy relationship is one that celebrates itself every day of the year. Buy her a card "just because." Schedule date nights…and keep them! Give her a foot rub when she's had a rough day. Bring her lunch in bed and a favorite DVD when she's under the weather. Let her know on a regular basis that she's not only the love of your life but also the best friend you could ever have. Most of all, remember that "happily ever after" isn't a destination but a journey to be taken hand in hand and heart to heart.

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10 Commandments

- 10 Commandments for the Adults -

This is Worth Reading over & over again followed by Course of Action

1. Face and accept the reality of getting old, its consequences and the limitations which growing old brings. Act and behave your age. Quit fooling yourself by trying to look like you were in your youth.
   
   
2. Focus on enjoying people, not on indulging in or accumulating material things.
   
   
3. Plan to spend whatever you have saved. You deserve to enjoy it and the few healthy years you have left. Travel if you can afford it. Don't leave anything for your children or loved ones to quarrel about. By leaving anything, you may even cause more trouble when you Are gone.
   
   
4. Live in the here and now, not in the yesterdays and tomorrows. It is only today that you can handle. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may not even happen
   
   
5. Enjoy your grandchildren (if you are blessed with any) but don't be their full time baby sitter. You have no moral obligation to take care of them.
   
   Don't have any guilt about refusing to baby sit anyone's kids, including your own grandkids. Your parental obligation is to your children. After you have raised them into responsible adults, your duties of child-rearing and babysitting are finished. Let your children raise their own off-springs.
   
   
6. Accept physical weakness, sickness and other physical pains. It is a part of the aging process. Enjoy whatever your health can allow.
   
   
7. Enjoy what you are and what you have right now. Stop working hard for what you do not have. If you do not have them, it's probably too late.
   
   
8. Just enjoy your life with your spouse, children, grandchildren and friends. People, who truly love you, love you for yourself, not for what you have. Anyone who loves you for what you have will just give you misery.
   
   
9. Forgive and accept forgiveness. Forgive yourself and others. Enjoy peace of mind and peace of soul.
   
   
10. Befriend death. It's a natural part of the life cycle. Don't be afraid of it. Death is the beginning of a new and better life. So, prepare yourself not for death but for a new life.